Baba Tries to Leave

APRIL 1, 1955 : EVENING AT THE FIELD

As we approached the tiger’s grave, we found Shri Kishanji already there. Baba usually sat of the tiger’s grave facing north, but that day He sat facing west.

I was relieved at Shri Kishunji’s presence for I felt that he would understand my anxiety and give support throughout whatever crisis was to come. Soon, though, I saw that he, like the others, was reacting with helpless passivity.

There were now 5 of us there. My determination had returned.

I told my brother disciples, “Today again, Baba is trying to make us shelterless by leaving His body as He has attempted to do twice before. Let us therefore catch hold of Baba’s feet and plead with Him, and go on pleading with Him, until He promises that he will not give up his body”.

All of us began to appeal to Baba that He should discard the thought of giving up the body from His mind.

Baba tried to entice us with many inducements of spiritual experiences we could have in sadhana. But we were not prepared to give up the hold of His feet.

We were already weeping and pleading with Baba, now we became all the more desperate and began to weep and insist that Baba should not give us up in mid-stream like this.

But today Baba became absolutely hard hearted and looked as if he was completely unaffected by our entreaties and requests.

He again said, “Leave me”, and began to pull His feet forcefully from our grasp.

It was a heart-rending experience. I was thinking how He who meditation had always been so loving, whose lotus feet we were never tired of embracing and who had been never unwilling for us to do so, had hardened His heart towards us today.

He who had listened caringly and was always so loving was today using force to remove our hands from His lotus feet. Could this be the same kind Baba?

It could not be conceived that same Baba who was giving infinite love could become so cruel and hard-hearted.

When we envisaged the calamity ahead, we understood that Baba was not only an ocean of love but was also harder than the hardest vajras (thunderbolt).

Evil days and misfortune loomed before us in a fierce form and we had no other recourse but to beg for His mercy. It is my prayer that no sadhaka may ever face such an evil day.

Thinking, “Oh God, what is in store for us? Has Baba forgotten the meaning of compassion, pity and love?”

I became all the more desperate and wept bitterly.

But all our weeping and entreaties were in vain. Baba did not melt. Once he pushed so hard with His hands that all the five of us fell flat on the ground.

While still lying on the ground, I asked Shri Kishanji to grasp Baba’s feet quickly, and everyone quickly got up and caught Baba’s feet again. There was no room for me to do this and so I knelt behind with my arms around Baba’s waist laying my head on His shoulder so that my cheek lay on His chest.

Still weeping, I was pleading with Baba not to be so hard-hearted.

Instead of answering my question, Baba said, as if to reassure us:

I did not understand these mystical things then, so I disregarded them and focussed my attention on keeping Baba’s body alive. But Baba, being anrayami or all-knowing, explained without my asking.