April 1955

While I was in Jamalpur, it was matters pertaining to Baba that occupied my mind. But the affairs of the outside world intruded from time to time.

I had not put the matter of the appeal for the reconsideration of my demotion I had made in Delhi in February, completely out of my thoughts. However, I felt that whenever any brother disciple would mention the issue of my demotion to Baba that it appeared to make Him very sad.

I had therefore become alert and arranged that no one should mention anything about this to Baba and requested all my friends not to allude to my problems in front of Baba.

APRIL 1, 1955: MORNING

My brother disciple and colleague Shri Harivansha Jha of Mithila told me that the appeal against my demotion had been turned down.

I was myself very upset on receiving this news. But I still cautioned him not to mention this to Baba as he was on his way to have Baba’s darshan. Despite my caution, Shri Harivansha Jha did tell Baba.

Hearing this, Baba became very unhappy and said; “Now I do not want to retain this body. Those rascals have unjustly harassed Nagina a lot”.

At noon, Shri Harivansha Jha came to me and told me, “Baba was very sorry to hear about the rejection of your appeal. He no longer wants to keep his body”.

I was very upset and asked him, “Why, despite all my warnings, did you mention this to Baba?”

He said, “Baba asked me whether I had seen you. When I told Him that I had met you only a little while ago he, I mentioned the rejection of your appeal in this connection.”

I was not satisfied with this reply, but the damage was done.

I was worried why Baba was again referring to His desire to leave His body. Perhaps this time also He had not taken the samkalpa for a long time? I feared what may happen and began to wonder whether Baba wanted us to face such a tragedy and suffer the pains of separation from Him?

I worried about it the whole day.

At about 5pm, I met a senior brother disciple and I voiced my fears to him. He took my misgivings seriously but could offer no suggestions to allay our fears.

I told him that I was afraid of going alone to go to Baba alone to do my pranam in the evening, and requested him to accompany me. At first, he was unwilling as his wife was gravely ill and hanging between life and death.

The doctor had also called him to say that he would come in the evening to see his wife. I knew about these personal difficulties of but still insisted that he must accompany me to Baba’s residence this evening.

Seeing how worried and frightened I was, he succumbed to my persistent requests and agreed to go with me, but said that he would return early from Baba’s residence.

APRIL 1, 1955 : EVENING AT BABA’S RESIDENCE

As Baba used to go out for a walk after 7pm in those days, it was decided that he would come to my residence at 6:45 and we would go to Baba’s residence together.

Just as we were about to leave, another disciple arrived from Monghy bringing the proof of the Hindi translation of the book ‘Ananda Marga Elementary Philosophy’ to be corrected by Baba.

Baba had already given him an appointment, and it gave me some relief to think that it would be possible to engage Baba, if just for a little time, in proof reading. All the three of us left together for Baba’s residence.

We arrived and I awaited the opening of the door with some anxiety, however we did not have to wait for long before Baba opened the door himself. He saw the 3 of us standing outside but called me in alone.

On other days Baba used to sit on a chair, I would offer my pranam and then we would start for the evening walk. But that day it was different.

Baba went back inside and remained standing and asked me to close the door.

I followed his instructions. He continued standing whilst He told me in all seriousness “Nagina, these rascals have harassed you a lot. Today I give you an opportunity.

You tell me the names of all those whom you want to be punished”.

I thought, “Baba is always talking about the bliss and welfare of all. How can He be talking of giving punishment to someone today? Is he not testing me?” Meanwhile Baba again repeated, “Speak, speak out the names of those rascals. Today, I must punish them all.”

I said, “Baba, I have no names to mention.”

Baba again repeated “Nagina - I am short of time. I am giving you this last opportunity. You will have to mention the names of those whom you want to be punished,”

I said, “Baba, I shall not mention any name. If punishment has to be given here I am, punish me to the extent necessary,” Baba said at this, “Do not talk of principle at this moment - remain in reality.”

I said, “No Baba - I do not want anyone to be punished.”

In order to change the topic I said, “Baba two more brother disciple are standing outside. May I be permitted to call them in?”

But Baba did not give His permission.

Then I said, “Baba, one of them has brought the proof of the book ‘Ananda Marga’. Kindly have a look at it.”

Baba dismissed my suggestion with a wave of His hand. He was still standing, so now I requested that He may sit down so that I could do my pranam to him.

To this He agreed, sitting on the chair, adding that He had very little time. I did my sastaunga pranam and Baba blessed me.

After this, Baba remained seated, so I sat at His feet and began to massage them.I had been apprehensive all afternoon, and when I heard Baba saying that He was short of time and asking me the names of those who were to be punished, my anxiety increased further.

Hot alarm surged through me like flames blazing up from the coals at a blast from the bellows.

Baba was sitting silently as I massed His feet in great perturbation of mind when I began to feel that His feet were getting cold.

“Baba!” I exclaimed, “Your feet are getting cold!”

“Yes”, He said quietly, “now I shall not retain this body.”

Deeply distressed I began to weep. On the previous occasions when Baba wanted to give up His body, there were always one or more brother disciples with me which gave us a sense of relief and mutual support. But this time I was all alone with Baba and I was not feeling confident to bear this calamity without support.

I began weeping and pleading with Baba not to give up His body and at the same time was massaging His feet as I did not know what else to do to stop Baba from giving up His body.

I pleaded, “Baba! Do not go away leaving us helpless!”

Baba said wearily, “Nagina, you had a great ambition to be Assistant Collector. I am making you Assistant Collector here and now. Now you give me up.”

I remonstrated with Baba, “This would mean trading with your life which I shall never do. At this price I want no treasure of the world, let alone the Assistant Collectorship! Whatever may happen to me, You should remain in this world!” Saying this I began to weep again.

Baba said again, “No Nagina! You should not do like this. Take the kingdom of this world but leave me”.

I had reached the depths of my feeling of impotence, but suddenly by Baba’s grace, I found the strength to reassert my determination.

I declared, “This would be a losing proposition for me and I shall not going to leave You at any cost.”

During this exchange, I had been holding His feet firmly and felt them now becoming ice-cold. I was crying loudly and bitterly and now Baba began to push my hand away to get His feet free.

Seeing no other course open to me, I twisted myself around His feet and began to beseech, “Baba! Do not leave us orphans and helpless in this manner !”

I closed my ears to all Baba’s remonstrances and only repeated insistently, “Baba some how or other you must remain amidst us.

You have twice assured us that you are taking a samkalpa to live a long time, but in fact, both the times you deceived us.”

My condition was bizarre; I was weeping as well as speaking, but Baba appeared unmoved.

In the meanwhile Baba suddenly said, “Nagina! All right, get up. Let us go to the field.”

I said, “No Baba as long as you do not promise I shall not leave You.”

Baba said, “Look! Do not insist! Get up! We shall go to the field.”

I let go and heard Baba order Himself in a tone of command, “Prabhat Rainjan Sarkar! Get well for sometime. You have to go up to the field.”

Then Baba stood up suddenly and began to walk towards the door. When I followed Him, I glanced into the back room and saw Baba’s mother approaching the room we were in. Now I understood why Baba suddenly got up in haste.

She had perhaps come from another part of the house after hearing my crying. Baba had become aware of this although that room was not visible from where He was sitting.

By now Baba had left the room and I know began to regret having agreed to go to the field.

Had we remained there and had I told Baba’s mother everything, she would also have given support to me and that would have been a powerful support indeed.

Outside, I saw my senior brother disciple and silently motioned to him to accompany us to the field. He pointed out some difficulty, but I took him along with me.

This senior disciple brother was present in the ashram on March 25, 1955.

On the way, we met 2 other brother disciples. I silently asked them also to come to the field with us.

That day Baba was walking in a strange manner. He appeared to be walking mechanically as if only two legs were walking without any connection to the rest of the body.

Normally as one walks, the arms automatically swing to and fro, but, Baba was walking and His arms were hanging from his shoulders immobile. He was breathing heavily with rasping breath. His gait was unnatural and the sound was unpleasant to hear.

We followed Baba silently. On the way, my thoughts revolved around one idea:

“What is that power that ordered ‘Shrii Prabhat Rainjan Sarkar get well for sometime, you have to go up to the field.’

But I have not been able to find a solution to this riddle* till this day. It is an unsolved question, which Baba alone can solve. Whether that moment will come in this life, I cannot tell.