The Test Of Doubt

At this time every day I was going to Baba’s residence, placing my head at His feet and going for walk with Him, listening to His discourses whilst sitting on the tiger’s grave.

After about 15 days like this in Jamalpur, suddenly a mean and week feeling of disbelief began to press my mind.

I began to doubt myself and sadhana. But when disbelief reached its maximum limit, I began to doubt Baba also.

After 6 days in this state, I met a senior disciple of Baba with whom I had become somewhat intimate by now.

Somehow he discovered that I was in mental anguish.

I told him that my worry is great but I do not know to whom I should express and what should I express?

Then I told of all about my disbelief in myself, sadhana, and even Baba. I told him that the basis of my belief has been swept away.

My disciple brother laughed heartily after hearing my account. I felt very bad at his laughter.

I told him, “ I am in great mental anguish and you are making fun of my difficulties.”

He then told me that this feeling of disbelief was only a method of Baba’s test. This is a very difficult test and rarely one gets through this examination. No-one else can help in this matter except Baba.

He advised me to catch Baba still more and that was the only solution. He told me that he also had undergone this kind of test. I felt some relief at this and thought that this evening itself I shall, during the field walk, request Baba to save me from such a test.

As usual I went to Baba’s residence and after pranam accompanied Him for a walk. When Baba was approaching the grave I asked whether He puts His disciples to such a test; that he may loose his very faith and confidence in Him.

“Oh God, this is a very difficult examination. How can I poor disciple ever dream of passing such a test ?”

Such was the mode of my expression, that Baba laughed and enquired whether I had met such and such person today? I replied in the affirmation and then He pointed out that I had become involved in a difficulty. In insisted that Baba may kindly save me. No disciple would like to appear at such examination nor would anyone get through such a test. During such a test one become utterly helpless. I was not prepared to face such a test in any way. Baba kept quiet while I was speaking. But from that very moment my feelings improved and became purified and never again I got such base ideas again.

BINDESHWARIJI ESCAPES TO THE ASHRAM

I had come back to Jamalpur in the first week of March 1955, from Delhi.

Looking after Bindeshwariji, again became part of my daily responsibilities. He was not permitted to see Baba. One evening Baba was about to come to the ashram, and Bindeshwariji somehow hoodwinked me and came to the ashram.

He was there before I reached the ashram. He came to the room where Baba used to sit, and sat down on the ground.

The time of Baba’s arrival was approaching, therefore all disciples were persuading him to leave the room, but he refused to budge. Now people began to think that if Bindeshwariji does not get out, Baba may not come, and everyone will be deprived of Baba’s darshan. Shri Kishanji, a disciple brother who had a strong body and looked like a wrestler, though that he should be lifted up physically, and taken to another room.

He made all efforts to do so, but he could not move Bindeshwariji even an inch. He then called another young man who also had a well-built body. Both ofthem tried to lift Bindeshwariji. Both began to perspire profusely, but could not remove Bindeshwariji from his seat. No one could believe what was happening.

I recollected what the saintly poet Tulsidasji said in Ramcharitmanas, that Shiva’s bow became so heavy that ten thousand princes in a combined error could not move it. This was a good example of the defeat of physical force against mental determination! It appeared as if Bindeshwariji was glued to the ground.

When I arrived, the manager of the ashram somewhat angrily said to me, “Where were you?” How could Bindeshwariji come here? Remove him from this room, otherwise Baba will not come and all will be deprived of Baba’s darshan."

I asked Bindeshwariji how he had managed to sneak in there. At this, he began to laugh and said that he had to see Baba.

I said to him, “When you do not have permission to come, you should not have come. If you continue sitting here Baba will not come and all will be deprived of His darshan. Would you like Baba to get angry at me, since I could not look after you properly and so you came here.”

As I said this, he got up promptly and went and sat in meditation in the inner veranda of the house.

To this day, I do not know how Bindeshwariji became so heavy that two strong wrestlers could not lift him even an inch. Baba alone knows the secret.

Bindeshwariji was always immersed in Baba’s vibration and he had become one with Baba. Even for a moment of Baba was away from his mind, he would become unhappy and cry and weep loudly. Every part of his mind became one with Baba.

After some time Baba came. We had His darshan and also heard His discourses. Those days, whenever Bindeshwariji had Baba’s darshan, he got a strong desire that he should merge himself in Baba. Therefore, both his mind and body became abnormal.

This condition lasted for about two moths. Then one day Baba rebuked him and so he became normal. After that members of his family also felt less unhappy towards me. He however continued insisting for Baba’s darshan and at last seeing that he had become normal, Baba permitted him. Even so, after Baba’s darshan, he would become somewhat abnormal. Sometimes Bindeshwariji’s eyes would close in such a manner that even with great efforts he could not open them. In such a condition, as he could not see anything he could sit silently. Sometimes, both his lips would get so much glued to each other that he could not utter any sound even though he tried very hard. Sometimes, both his eyes and lips would be sealed, and then he could neither see nor speak. But as soon as Baba left, his eyes and lips would open up. I noticed that whenever Bindeshwariji became abnormal, the little finger of Baba’s right hand would move as if to write something, and Bindeshwariji would become quiet immediately. Even these days during Dharma Maha Cakras or darshans, when some devotees are overwhelmed with devotion, and begin to behave abnormally, I have seen that Baba moves His little finger in the same way to quiet them. Once at the Krishnanagar DMC, one lady devotee became ecstatic. Baba, while delivering His discourse, moved his right hand up and down towards her in a graceful manner as if in Abhaya Mudra. She became completely quiet and normal. She could only speak after DMC was over. Those days, Bindeshwariji would immediately know thoughts of other persons. One day when he went for Baba’s darshan, his eyes were closed lightly, but his mouth was open and he was making Omkar sound again, again and breathing heavily. This was disrupting the devotees in listening to Baba’s discourse. Baba told me to take him out. His eyes were closed. I was about to lift himwith force, when he himself got up and directed this line of great poet Surdas to Baba with great force: “You are going away from me, thinking that I am weak. But when you can leave my heart, I will know that you are strong.” Sometimes Bindeshwariji would start dancing and singing when overwhelmed in a devotional mood. Although he has no knowledge of music and dance, his singing and dancing were quite touching. Once Baba said that without Bindeshwariji, DMC is not complete. During those days, I used to study Bhagavad Giita. Once I was pondering over one of its lines, when Bindeshwariji came and sat by my side. I was absorbed in thoughts and did not notice him. For some time, he sat quietly and then he suddenly jumped up and said, “Brother, you are having very good thoughts please share them with me.” He began to insist again and again that I should tell him what I was thinking. I said, “I was thinking about a line of Bhagavad Giita and I was thinking of changing a few words.” He again insisted that I should tell him quickly. I said, “Lord Krishna has told Arjuna in Giita ‘Leave aside all Dharmas and come to my shelter’ (‘Sarva-dharman parityja, mamekam sharanam vraja’ [Gita 18.66]). I am thinking of amending it to read ‘Leaving aside all Dharmas, I am coming to your shelter’ and I am thinking of doing my pranam to Baba with these words.” Bindeshwariji repeated this line twice and then expressed great pleasure and said, “This is an excellent idea. Let us act upon it.” Next day when we went for Baba’s darshan, Bindeshwariji said, “I leave all Dharmas and come to your shelter.” And with these words he did sastaunga pranam to Baba. Baba immediately repeated the following line of the verse and said, “Fear not, I shall deliver you from all sins!” (‘Aham tvam sarva papebhyo mokshayishyami ma shuchah’. [Giita 18.66)]). After this we also got an opportunity to do pranam to Him. Once Bindeshwariji was sitting in front of Baba. His eyes were closed. He was always in ecstasy and in the presence of Baba his ecstasy would become deeper and more expressive. In such a state, he once told Baba, “You came in the form of Krsna! Why are you hiding it from the world?” And thus he became all the more absorbed in Baba’s thought.

On another occasion both of us went to the ashram in the evening. There Bindeshwariji became ecstatic at once and closed his eyes and sat on the floor of the verandah. At that time, many disciples were present there. Everyone sat in front of him.

Bindeshwariji was talking something to himself in ecstasy.

Just then, he became immersed in Baba bhava as if he had become Baba. We were astounded to hear him. He spoke and sounded exactly like Baba! Some disciple brothers, who were sitting in the room, heard his voice and rushed thinking that Baba had come.

When they came near, they realized that the speaker was Bindeshwariji and not Baba. They were also surprised. They said that when we heard the voice, we thought that Baba had come before His usual time and we rushed out to have His darshan.

Bindeshwariji was also hearing our talk and he pointed to himself and said, “I am Baba.” As the voice was exactly like Baba’s, everyone was taken back.

Bindeshwariji began to bless someone by gently striking his head. He blessed others by touching their ajina cakra or by pressing it. But his voice, at that time, resembled Baba’s. He asked some to do him sastaunga pranam and they obeyed him. I did not like this and moved away from there.Meanwhile he called me and asked me to do sastaunga pranam. I said, “No.”

Although his voice was like that of Baba, I refused to do sastaunga to him. I said, “This is reserved for Baba, and I shall not do it for you.” He did not like my words, and became angry. He instructed me to sit before him, which I did. When he stretched his hand towards my ajina cakra, I stopped him from doing so and told him that it was improper and unbecoming and he should no do it. I rejected both his hands, and he became even more angry and threatened to curse me. Now it was my return to feel angry.

I also said to him, “Curse me if you can!” But immediately, I recollected that Baba has entrusted his welfare to me and that I am angry with him. Therefore I got away from there saying, “Do as you like.” He stayed some more time in the Ashram and then returned home.

I continued to look after him that day, and could not go for Baba’s darshan that evening. Next evening when I was walking with Baba, I mentioned this incident to Baba and asked Him whether sastaunga Pranam to Bindeshwariji at that time was proper or is it reserved for Guru alone? Baba said, “When he is in Shiva bhava or my bhava, he only thinks of others welfare. But when he reverts to his unit mind, he feels angry and the thought of curse must have come to him at such a moment. Gradually, he will be cured and such ideas will disappear from his mind. You were correct in not doing sastaunga pranam to him. After this, Bindeshwariji did not ever talk of cursing again. Baba’s liila is beyond my understanding.