I SURRENDER EVERYTHING TO BABA AND HE BECOMES PLEASED WITH ME

Even today I get frightened when I remember that mood of Baba. All the way back I was pondering also what I have done to make Him angry.

I straightaway went to Bindeshwariji’s house and sitting in the small outside room began to ponder about what mistake that I had committed to make Baba angry. I thought and thought but could not locate the cause.

I sat in the room and pondered and mentally prayed to Baba, “Baba at any cost to me, kindly change this mood of Yours.

I did not come to Your shelter to see You in this mood.” After this I mentally offered to Him one by one all the things and relations which I held dear in this world and at each offering continued to pray, “Baba, may You take all these and be pleased with me."

During this process I remembered that I had adamantly requested Baba for the protection of my official position. I was so attached to my official position that I had even discarded Baba’s own recommendation to accept a demotion.

Now I said mentally “Baba You may take away this also if it please You; I shall feel gratified if you somehow feel pleased with me again.” This was my last offering.

Meanwhile the elder brother of Bindeshwariji came and enquired what I was doing sitting alone in that dark room? What is the time? I looked at my watch and told him that it was five o’clock. During winters in December even at five in the evening it starts growing dark. I was standing outside the room and talking to him, but my mind was dominated by Baba’s angry mood.

In the evening at seven I reached the railway quarter again. Before Baba arrived, the senior brother who stayed there told me that Baba is angry on the account of smoking in this house. I though that if this was the reason of Baba’s anger, I shall give up smoking from today itself. Since that day I have never smoked again.

Baba came to the quarter and sat for a long time. Not to speak of talking to me, He did not even look at me. That day Baba did not go for His field walk. When He started from the quarter, we also followed Him.

Summoning some courage I asked, “Baba, have I committed any mistake that has made you angry with me?”

Baba said, “At that time in the house I was upset. Now since five o’clock I am no longer angry with you. Look at yourself - how far are you from death?” I said, “Baba, for the last two months I have been trying to ask about this and running here all the time to do so, but finding You always busy I could not do so”. Baba said, “I instructed you to protect yourself from dust and smoke but you did not so.”

I said, “Baba, I have tried to do so”.

After returning to the house I went to bed in the same worried state. Next day I did not return and stayed over in Jamalpur again.

I DISCOVER MY FAULT AND BABA PUNISHES ME

That day when I met Pranayji, the senior disciple who lived in that quarter, he told me, “One who practices pranayama breath control should keep away from smoking. Baba told you to keep away from smoke, but you still continued to smoke.”

I told him, ”I never dreamt that keeping away from smoke meant not smoking. I was under the impression that I should avoid smoke of coal etc. I am sorry that due to my ignorance, Baba had to become angry with me. Now I shall never smoke, although it would be quite painful to give it up.”

In the evening as usual, I started for Baba’s darshan, but that day Baba had left His home before we reached there and we met Him on the way. That day Baba was walking faster, there was therefore no opportunity to touch His feet and do pranam. I told Baba that He was walking so quickly I had not got an opportunity to touch His feet. Hearing this Baba looked at me in great anger. I kept quiet.

After some time, Baba turned towards the railway quarter and we also continued to follow Him. After reaching there Baba asked the senior disciple whether he could take dictation. Baba’s voice itself indicated how angry He was, so that brother hesitated to reply.

I said, “‘Give me pencil and paper. I shall take dictation."

When he gave me the pencil and paper, Baba sat on the wooden seat and we sat down on the floor and I began to take dictation. Baba dictated: “Punishment Notice No. 1

Nagina will not touch me till further order, nor he will participate in Gurupuja”.In the notice Deep Narayanji and some others were also punished - which is not necessary to mention here. I used to consider myself a very fast writer, but that day I was disabused of this impression of mine. And since that day my speed of writing also declined.

Then Baba started for His walk and we also followed Him. In the field Baba sat on the tiger’s grave. Everyone sat around Him but I sat at some distance. After some time Baba enquired, “Nagina, why are you sitting at such a distance?”

Before I could reply Baba said, “That is alright”. I did not have to say anything. At about nine thirty, when Baba rose, everyone did sastaunga pranam to Him. I was standing somewhat away and enquired whether I could also prostrate myself at His feet.

He said, “Yes, you can do pranam”.

I did my sastaunga pranam from some distance and returned.

Vishvanathji was both a childhood friend and classmate and was quite pained to see me punished, as he thought that he was cause of this punishment. I explained to him that this kind of thinking was simply superstition and entirely baseless. Still it took him some time to get over his sense of guilt.

Next day, after returning to Begusarai when I sat for my meditation, I did not know whether in the dhyana lesson I was to touch Baba or not. I had not been taught guru puja up till then, so there was no difficulty in this regard. I therefore addressed a letter to get clarification in this regard, and received a reply after about five or six days. Until then I had stopped doing dhyana.

As far as I remember on 29th December 1954 I received the reply from Baba, “In no circumstances should you allow the sanctity of the Ashram to be destroyed.”

Only now I understood that Baba had given that quarter the status of an ashram.

My senior brother disciples had never informed me about it.

Following this punishment I began to feel quite frightened and nervous. Fear had already been a dominant tendency in my mind, but now this increased further. Even Baba appeared quite frightening. I used to get nightmares.

It was at this time that my little daughter Mainju, whom Baba had revived from death, began to sing a song as she waited at the gate each day for me to return from the office: " Oh Lord, how much has man changed.” I used to feel quite frightened hearing this song from her little mouth.

And so 1954 ended in this state of fear and 1955 arrived.