Rakhal's yearning for God

Rakhal and M. were walking on the verandah to the east of Kāli Tapasvi’s room.Rakhal (earnestly): “M., let us practise sādhanā !

We have renounced home for good. When someone says, ‘You have not realized God by renouncing home; then why all this fuss?’, Narendra gives a good retort. He says, ‘Because we could not attain Ram, must we live with Shyam and beget children?’ Ah! Every now and then Narendra says nice things. You had better ask him.”

M: “What you say is right. I see that you too have become restless for God.”

M: “Yes, the Yogopanishad describes how Sukadeva fled this world of māyā. It also describes Vyāsa’s conversation with Suka. Vyāsa asked his son to practise religion in the world. But Suka said that the one essential thing is the Lotus Feet of God. He also expressed his disgust with worldly men for getting married and living with women.”

M: “How true it is! Children do not see the difference between man and woman.”

Rakhal: “Therefore I say that we must practise spiritual discipline. How can one attain Knowledge without going beyond māyā?

“Let’s go to the big hall. Some gentlemen have come from Baranagore. Narendra is talking with them. Let’s go and listen to him.” M. did not enter the room. As he was pacing outside he overheard some of the conversation.

It was dusk. The evening worship was over. The devotees, as usual, sang in chorus, “Jaya Śiva Omkara”. Afterwards they assembled in the room of the “Dānās”. M., too, was seated there. Prasanna was reading from the Guru Gitā. Narendra sang:

As Narendra sang these verses from the Guru Gitā in his melodious voice, the minds of the devotees became steady, like a candle-flame in a windless place. Rakhal was seated in Kāli Tapasvi’s room.

Prasanna sat near him. M., too, was there.Rakhal had renounced the world, leaving behind his wife and child. A fire of intense renunciation burnt day and night in his heart. He was thinking seriously of going away, by himself, to the bank of the Narmada or some other holy place. Still, he was trying to persuade Prasanna not to run away from the monastery.

Prasanna: “My parents live in Calcutta. I am afraid of being drawn by their love: That is why I want to flee to a distant place.”

Tārak and Prasanna were talking in the room of the “Dānās”. Tārak had lost his mother. His father, like Rakhal’s father, had married a second time. Tārak himself had married but had lost his wife. Now the monastery was his home. He too was trying to persuade Prasanna to live there.

Narendra and Prasanna were talking in the meditation room. Rakhal, Harish, and the younger Gopal were seated in another part of the room. After a while the elder Gopal came in. Narendra was reading from the Gitā and explaining the verses to Prasanna:

The Lord, O Arjuna, dwells in the hearts of all beings, causing them, by His māyā, to revolve as if mounted on a machine. Take refuge in Him with all thy heart, O Bharata. By His grace wilt thou attain Supreme Peace and the Eternal Abode.
Relinquishing all dharmas, take refuge in Me alone. I shall liberate thee from all sins. Grieve not.

M. (to himself): “Ah! Rakhal is right. Therefore a person like Sri Ramakrishna is described as the ‘Ocean of Mercy without any reason’.” Prasanna (to Rakhal ): “Don’t you yourself feel like running away from here?” Rakhal: “Yes, now and then I have a fancy to spend a few days on the bank of the Narmada. I say to myself, ‘Let me go to a place like that and practise sādhanā in a garden.’ Again, I feel a strong desire to practise the Panchatapa for three days. But I hesitate to live in a garden that belongs to worldly people.” Tārak and Prasanna Tārak and Prasanna were talking in the room of the “Dānās”. Tārak had lost his mother. His father, like Rakhal ’s father, had married a second time. Tārak himself had married but had lost his wife. Now the monastery was his home. He too was trying to persuade Prasanna to live there. Prasanna: “I have neither jnāna nor prema. What have I in the world for a support?” TĀRAK: “It is no doubt difficult to attain jnāna; but how can you say you have no prema?” Prasanna: “I have not yet wept for God. How can I say I have prema? What have I realized in all these days?” TĀRAK: “But you have seen the Master. And why do you say that you have no jnāna?” Prasanna: “What sort of jnāna are you talking about? Jnāna means Knowledge. Knowledge of what? Certainly of God. But I am not even sure of the existence of God.“TĀRAK: “Yes, that’s true. According to the Jnāni, there is no God.” M. (to himself): “Ah! The Master used to say that those who seek God pass through the state that Prasanna is now experiencing. In that state sometimes one doubts the very existence of God. I understand that Tārak is now reading Buddhistic philosophy. That is why he says that according to the Jnāni God does not exist. But Sri Ramakrishna used to say that the Jnāni and the bhakta will ultimately arrive at the same destination.” Narendra asks Prasanna to practise self-surrender N arendra and Prasanna were talking in the meditation room. Rakhal , Harish, and the younger Gopal were seated in another part of the room. After a while the elder Gopal came in. Narendra was reading from the Gitā and explaining the verses to Prasanna: The Lord, O Arjuna, dwells in the hearts of all beings, causing them, by His māyā, to revolve as if mounted on a machine. Take refuge in Him with all thy heart, O Bharata. By His grace wilt thou attain Supreme Peace and the Eternal Abode. Relinquishing all dharmas, take refuge in Me alone. I shall liberate thee from all sins. Grieve not. NARENDRA: “Did you notice what Krishna said? ‘Mounted on a machine.’ The Lord, by His māyā, causes all beings to revolve as if mounted on a machine. To seek to know God? You are but a worm among worms-and you to know God? Just reflect a moment: what is a man? It is said that each one of the myriads of stars that shine overhead represents a solar system. This earth of ours is a part of only one solar system, and even that is too big for us. Like an insect man walks about on this earth, which, compared to the sun, is only a tiny ball.”

Narendra sang: We are born, O Lord, in the dust of earth, And our eyes are blinded by the dust; With dust we toy like children at play: O give us assurance, Thou Help of the weak! Wilt Thou cast us out of Thy lap, O Lord, For a single mistake? Wilt Thou turn away And abandon us to our helplessness? Oh, then we shall never be able to rise, But shall lie for ever dazed and undone. Mere babes are we, Father, with baby minds; At every step we stumble and fall. Why, then, must Thou show us Thy terrible face? Why, Lord, must we ever behold Thy frown? Small are we-oh, do not be angry with us, But tenderly speak to us when we do wrong; For though Thou dost raise us a hundred times,A hundred times we shall fall again! What else can one do with a helpless mind? Then he said to Prasanna: “Surrender yourself at His feet. Resign your self completely to His will.” Narendra sang again in an ecstatic mood: O Lord, I am Thy servant, I am Thy servant! Thy servant am I! O Lord, Thou art my Master, Thou art my Master! My Master art Thou! From Thee I have received two pieces of bread and a kaupin; When I sing Thy name, devotion wells up in my heart and shields me from harm. Thou art the Master, the All-compassionate; this I repeat, O Lord! Thy servant Kabir has taken refuge at Thy feet. Narendra said to Prasanna: “Don’t you remember Sri Ramakrishna’s words? God is the hill of sugar and you are but an ant. One grain is enough to fill your stomach, and you think of bringing home the entire hill! Don’t you remember what the Master said about Sukadeva? Even Sukadeva was a big ant at the most. That is why I scolded Kāli, saying: ‘You fool! Do you want to measure God with your tape and foot-rule?’ “God is the Ocean of Mercy. Be His slave and take refuge in Him. He will show compassion. Pray to Him: ‘Protect me always with Thy compassionate face. Lead me from the unreal to the Real, from darkness to Light, from death to Immortality. Reveal Thyself to me and protect me always with Thy compassionate face.’ " Prasanna: “What kind of spiritual discipline should one practise?” NARENDRA: “Repeat His name. That’s enough. Don’t you remember Sri Ramakrishna’s song?” Narendra sang: O Syama, my only hope is in Thy hallowed name! What need have I of kosha and kushi? What need of smiles and conventions? Thy name dissolves death’s bonds, as Śiva has proclaimed, And I myself am Śiva’s servant; whom else should I obey? O Mother come what may, I shall repeat Thy name;Why should I fret myself to death? To Śiva’s words I cling. He sang again: Mere babes are we, Father, with baby minds; At every step we stumble and fall. Why, then, must Thou show us Thy terrible face? Why, Lord, must we ever behold Thy frown? Prasanna: “Now you are saying that there is a God. Again, it is you who say that according to Chārvāka and many other thinkers the world was self-created.” NARENDRA: “Haven’t you studied chemistry? Who combines the different elements? It is a human hand that combines hydrogen, oxygen, and electricity to prepare water. Everybody admits the existence of an Intelligent Force-a Force that is the essence of Knowledge and that guides all these phenomena.” Prasanna: “How are we to know that God is kind?” NARENDRA: “The Vedas say, ‘That which is Thy compassionate face.’ John Stuart Mill said the same thing. He said, ‘How much kindness must He have, who has implanted kindness in the hearts of men.’ The Master used to say: ‘Faith is the one essential thing. God exists. He is very near us. Through faith alone one sees Him.’ " Narendra sang: Where are you seeking Me, My servant? I am very close to you. Far away you still are seeking, though I am so very near. I am not in skin or hair, I am not in bones or flesh, Not in mosque and not in temple, not in Kasi or Kailas. Never will you come on Me in Ayodhya or Dwaraka; But you will be sure to find Me if you search where faith abides. Not in pleasant tasks or yoga, not in vairāgya or sannyās, Yet I come without delaying if you only search for Me. Prasanna: “Sometimes you say that God does not exist, and now you are saying all these things! You are not consistent. You keep changing your opinions.” All laughed. NARENDRA: “All right! I shall never change what I have just said. As long as one has desires and cravings, so long one doubts the existence of God. A man cherishes somedesire or other. Perhaps he has the desire to study or pass the university examination or become a scholar, and so forth and so on.” Narendra sang again, in a voice choked with emotion: Hail to Thee, our God and Lord! Hail, Giver of every blessing! Hail, Thou Giver of good! O Redeemer from fear, from danger and suffering! Upholder of the worlds! Hail, Lord! Victory to Thee! Unfathomable and infinite, immeasurable, beyond compare, O God, none equals Thee! Lord of the Universe! O All-pervading Truth! Thou the Ātman Supreme! Hail, Lord! Victory to Thee! O Thou, the All-compassionate One, adored by the whole universe, I bow before Thy feet! Thou art the only Refuge in life and death, O Lord; Before Thy feet I bow! Hail, Lord! Victory to Thee! This is our only prayer, O Lord! What other boon can we implore? Thus do we pray to Thee: Grant us true wisdom here, and in the life hereafter Reveal Thyself to us. Hail, Lord! Victory to Thee! Again Narendra sang, describing how very near God is to us-as near as the musk to the deer-and exhorting his brother disciples to drink deep from the cup of Divine Bliss: Drinking the Bliss of Hari from the cup of prema, Sādhu, be intoxicated! Childhood you spent in crying, and youth in women’s control; Now, in your old age, full of phlegm and wind, You wait for the funeral couch to bear you to the cremation ground. Within the musk-deer’s navel the fragrant musk is found; But how can you make it understand? Without the proper teacher to guide him on his way, Man, too, is blindly roaming through the world,Deluded as the foolish deer that wanders round and round the woods. M. heard all this from the verandah. Narendra got up. As he left the room he remarked, “My brain is heated by talking to these youngsters.” He met M. on the verandah and said, “Please, let us have a drink of water.” One of the members of the Math said to Narendra, “Why, then, do you say that God does not exist?” Narendra laughed.